DOG HUMOR

Please send in your canine jokes.
Please make them printable for family reading.

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IF A DOG WAS THE TEACHER, HE WOULD TEACH YOU:


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Funny Casey
Funny Casey

HI Susan,

Your site looks fabulous.

Casey has a new thrick and I thought you'd enjoy this pic! I just wish his eyes were open more! I'll take more pics and will send a better replacement, but in the meantime I thought you'd get a chuckle out of this!

Hope all is well at your end. Things are great here. Tahoe was awesome, we're off to FL with the canine kids for Easter break 4/16-4/27. Casey has a new container of tennis balls in his Easter basket LOL

Take care!

Barb

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No Pets Allowed

        Two buddies were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other had a Chihuahua. As they sauntered down the street, the guy with the Doberman said to his friend, "Let's go over to that bar and get something to drink."  The guy with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us." The one with the Doberman said, "Just follow my lead." They walked over to the bar and the guy with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk into the bar.
        The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed."  The man with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog."  The bouncer said, "A Doberman pinscher?"  The man said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."  The bouncer said, "OK then, come on in."
        The buddy with the Chihuahua figured he'd try it too so he put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk into the bar. He knew his story would be a bit more unbelievable. Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."
The man with the Chihuahua said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog."  The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"  The man with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua?!? A Chihuahua?!?  They gave me a damn Chihuahua??

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How to Give a Cat a Pill

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.  Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.  As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.  Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.  Cradle cat in right arm (To avoid wound on left arm) and repeat process.

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in best arm, holding rear paws tightly with hand.  Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with forefinger.  Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.  Call spouse from garden.

6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws.  Ignore low growls emitted by cat.  Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth.  Drop pill, put down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap.  Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.  Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit.  Put pill in end of  drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow through straw.

9) Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away.  Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill.  Open another beer.  Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing.  Force mouth open with dessert spoon.  Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.  Drink beer.  Fetch bottle of scotch.  Pour shot, drink.  Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for tetanus shot.  Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect.  Toss back another shot.  Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12) Call fire department to retrieve the ******* cat from tree across the road.   Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.  Take last pill from foil wrap.

13) Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed.  Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak filet.  Be rough about it.  Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and remove pill remnants from right eye.  Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15) Arrange for SPCA to collect the "cat from hell" and call local pet shop to see if they have any guinea pigs.

How to Give a Dog a Pill

1) Wrap it in bacon. Drop on the floor

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Why We Need Friends

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Titles for Dawgs That Don't Compete....
Submitted by Mike Kuehne


AD (attention deficit) 
ARB (ace refrigerator bandit) 
BW (butt wagger) 
BWX (butt wagger excellent) 
CC (cat - courser) 
CCX (cat - courser excellent) 
CP (couch potato) 
CPX (couch potato excellent) 
CSX (counter surfer extrordanaire) 
GFIY (go fetch it yourself) 
HHP (House Hold Pet) 
IDDI (I didn't do it) 
ILF (I like food) 
ILLF (I like lots of food) 
IWFF (I work for food) 
LD (lap dog) 
LDX (lap dog excellent) 
OWMS (Ok, where's my socks?) 
OWTH (Oh, What The Heck) 
TBF (thick but friendly) 
TGS (terribly good snorer) 
TGAN (terribly good at nothing) 
TSIM (that seat is mine) 
TTIM (that toy is mine) 
UNCD (under the covers dog) 
UNCDX (under the covers dog excellent ) 
WM (who me?) 

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"Beware of Which End is Up"

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"Been Eatin' Stuff in Training Pastures Again?"

submitted by David Wiggins

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